Malachi’s Mummy

As a new mum, every milestone with my son feels like a monumental moment worth cherishing and documenting. His first smile, first roll, first laugh. 

But I think there are milestones parents should mark too! 

So much emphasis is often (and rightly so) on the development of the child, but isn’t it worth pausing to acknowledge the leaps and bounds us newbie parents are making? Can we get some applause and a gold star too! 😂

The past 10-weeks have been a blur and sadly we’ve not managed to fit visiting a church into our new life. But, with it being Mother’s Day I was determined for us to make the effort to go as a family. Malachi is a gift from God and an incredible blessing in our lives, so it felt right to find a way to mark that with worship. 

For added context, I practically grew up in church so this shouldn’t have been a big deal but two things are worth considering:

1. It was a new church for us, which added an extra layer of anticipation to the experience.
2. Malachi is mostly chilled but occasionally unpredictable.

As we prepared for our outing, I couldn’t shake the feeling of nervousness. Thoughts swirled in my mind about how Malachi would behave, whether he would be fussy or quiet, and how others would react. Sadly, I’ve seen judgmental side eyes and eye rolls from people silently shushing a baby as it whimpers in the background of a church. Would they judge my parenting skills based on my son’s behaviour? Would Malachi feel comfortable in this unfamiliar setting? I wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of him potentially stealing the show with a meltdown of epic proportions.

But you know what? Despite my inner monologue of anxiety, instead of judgmental stares, we were greeted with warm smiles and nods of encouragement. Three welcoming faces were ready waiting for us at the door. I explained that my husband was parking the car and would be coming with our son so I’d prefer seats near the back to avoid any distractions to the rest of the congregation. Despite us being 15 minutes late and a pretty packed church they managed to accommodate us. 

Phew! The first part was over.

Five minutes later my husband entered with Malachi and they were greeted by a sea of smiles and cooing sounds of the cuteness of my baby. It was as if the entire congregation understood the significance of this moment for us as a family.

To my relief, Malachi slept for most of it, had a bottle (that I made sure to have on hand immediately) and took it all in his stride. He was wide-eyed and curious, soaking up the sights and sounds of his new surroundings – praise God for pacifiers! 

Throughout the service, I surprisingly found myself overcome with a sense of peace and gratitude. Here we were, surrounded by strangers who felt like old friends, all united in our shared faith. I’ll admit, I wasn’t able to fully be present and engage in the singing and the bible talk, but for the most part, my worries melted away, replaced by a deep sense of belonging and connection.

As I reflect on the visit I’m grateful for the memory we’ve created together as a family.  Malachi’s first church visit may have been filled with nerves and uncertainty (for me!), but it was also filled with love, acceptance, and the hint of new beginnings. 

It made me consider the idea of expectations vs reality which sums up my motherhood experience so far. I’ve coined my own phrase that’s it’s ‘harder than I expected and far better than I ever imagined’. 

I’m sure I’m not alone and it’s something not reserved for mothers. All of us often build up certain expectations based on societal norms, advice from others, or even our own preconceived notions, only to find that reality has a way of throwing us curve balls and often pleasant surprises.

Take breastfeeding, for example. Before becoming a mum, I expected it to be a natural and beautiful bonding experience. People often remarked that my son would surely be well fed as I’d been ‘blessed bountifully’. But the reality is, it has been incredibly challenging and even painful for me at times. This stark difference between my expectations and the reality has sometimes left me feeling disillusioned, frustrated, and even guilty for not living up to the idealised image of motherhood I’d created. 

How do I reduce the dissonance between expectation and reality? By normalising the realities of motherhood. 

I’ve found it massively helpful when mothers have shared their own experiences openly and honestly, realising I’m not alone in my joys and struggles. There’s a small corner of TikTok with other millennial mummies that I particularly enjoy as they share their journeys, warts and all.  What I value even more though, are the ‘real life’ mummies I have in my physical circle that I can lean on to varying degrees. From the mums in my NCT group who are in the trenches with me or my friends who have their own stories to share. 

What I crave even more are the older mums. Ones who are now empty nesters. The ones who have survived the early years and come out the other end. I would love them to be open and honest about their experiences. 

Perhaps it’s a cultural or generational thing but there’s not always an openness to share experiences that have been difficult. If I’m honest, I think some of the distortion of my expectations for motherhood have been due to many older women being closed off about their experiences and glossing over the hard stuff. 

That’s why I’ve been massively surprised and grateful to my Gran now sharing some of the challenges she faced in motherhood. She’s been so open in sharing, but I’ve also learnt that if you don’t ask you won’t get. Sometimes it’s down to me to ask the people in my life to be vulnerable and share their life giving a new perspective. 

Will Malachi be a chilled baby every time we go to church? 

Probably not – I’m convinced it was the grace of the Lord answering my pleas for peace! 

Will that stop us from going again? 

Nope. 

Who knows, a newborn meltdown in the middle of a sermon might give us the opportunity to receive some love, kindness and compassion from a new church family.  

I’m determined to always approach each new experience with an open heart and open mind, ready to embrace whatever joys and challenges come my way in equal measure.