Malachi’s Mummy

At 2:24am on Boxing Day, everything changed. Suddenly, I was a mother. Mad ting! You’d think it wouldn’t be such a shock to the system after 39-weeks! Child birth will do that to you 😂.

Shortly after, I found myself alone on a busy and surprisingly noisy hospital ward, silently pleading with my newborn not to cry until his daddy came back. 

I was a mother. 

Fast forward 60 days as I stood at my sink washing bottles for the 87th time this week, I had an internal meltdown. Was I already too late registering little man for nursery? He’s barely 2-months old and I’ve already got to think about giving him away to strangers a few days a week. I escaped the dread by daydreaming for a little while. 

Picture the scene with me. One day I’d be hosting a sleepover with 3-4 of Malachi’s best friends. My living room turned into a makeshift campground with sleeping bags scattered around. They’ll be exhausted from running around and playing games all day, settling in for a night of movies and snacks. I’ll be the designated snack dispenser. “Malachi’s Mummy, please can we have more popcorn?”. 

In the midst of mundane tasks like washing bottles I pondered what that title and role of mummy meant for the identity I’d spent 34 years shaping. The weighty thoughts of motherhood mixed with soap suds! 

Becoming a mother has been a transformative experience. I find myself constantly reevaluating my priorities, values, and goals. Suddenly there’s a complex interplay between my maternal role and other aspects of my identity, such as career, relationships, and self-image. While motherhood has already been massively fulfilling and brought a new meaning to life, I must admit I have moments in my day when I’m wondering if this is my main purpose and how that makes me feel. 

For example, as I type this blog I’m in bed whilst my husband has Malachi for the morning. Should I feel guilty for not being filled with joy in abundance to go back to making bottles and changing nappies once I leave the comfort of my bed. I don’t feel guilty, not today anyway.

Tell me about yourself

When someone asks you to introduce yourself, why do we default to our jobs and what we do? Much of our identity seems to be shaped by what we do, not who we are. Similarly, much of our value sadly seems to be placed on what we do rather than who we are. 

61 days in and I’m already reflecting on the age old question, ‘Who am I?’.

Who is Shantelle? Who was I before I became Malachi’s mummy, and who am I becoming. 

There’s a section in the Bible where Jesus poses a similar profound question to his followers: “Who do you say that I am?” This question not only challenges them to examine their beliefs about his identity but also prompts deeper reflection on their own sense of self. 

I won’t even pretend to have resolved the answers to these questions. They’ve caused me to go down some deep rabbit holes and even scroll through old Facebook videos as I’ve reminisced. 

On my search I remembered the things I love. Music, singing, and worship. I adore neat handwriting, journaling, and doodling absentmindedly. I cherish meaningful conversations and a good belly laugh. I thrive on learning and expanding my perspectives, no matter how trivial the topic.

I reminisced about a fearless version of myself who once gathered musicians, rented a local venue in Reading, invited a bunch of friends and family with some original songs I’d written. I randomly had the idea one day and executed it. I didn’t overthink, I simply pursued something I enjoyed and didn’t over-complicate it. Have a peek if you wish. 

The thought of doing that now, fills me with dread. I suppose Malachi’s Mummy is a small way of regaining that fearlessness and creativity. I hope that motherhood will draw me closer to that version of myself, rather than further away.

Who do I want to be? 

“For me, being a tennis player, it’s second, third, fourth, fifth to who I am as a person. I always try to keep, you know, God first, family and friends, tennis, and community — you know, friends, family, and community before tennis.”

Coco Gauff

I’m a huge tennis fan, and one of my faves, 19-year old Coco Gauff echoed the idea of identity transcending our roles in a recent interview. She expressed that tennis is secondary to who she is as a person. I love that even though she’s already achieved so much, winning major titles and being number 3 in the world of her field, she hasn’t let these things define her. Darn, I wish I had that wisdom at 19!

Author James Clear touches on similar themes in his book “Atomic Habits”. I’m not usually a fan of these types of books but this one was convincing. He provides a guide to building and maintaining positive habits, emphasising the power of small, incremental changes. 10/10 would recommend. 

But the bit about the book that struck me the most wasn’t primarily about habits. Clear emphasises the significance of identity in habit formation. He suggests that rather than solely focusing on changing our habits, we should focus on shaping our identity. He argues that our habits are deeply tied to our sense of self, and by adopting habits that align with the identity we want to embody, we can make behaviour change more sustainable. He encourages readers to ask themselves, “Who is the type of person that could achieve the outcome I want?” and to build habits that reinforce that desired identity.

Here’s a little summary I made in my notes. 

So if you, like me, you ponder from time to time on your identity, consider these three questions mentioned in the book. 

1. Who do I want to become? How do I envision my ideal self and how does this guide my actions and decisions? 
2. What do I stand for? This challenges me to define my core beliefs and convictions. When I remind myself of these it serves as a compass to navigate the complexities of life.
3. What are my principles and values? Delving deeper, I reflect on the fundamental truths and moral standards that shape my character and guide my behaviour – in both big decisions and everyday interactions.

Here’s one more question from me. 

What brings me joy? A life absent of joy feels empty and meaningless, so I want to  prioritise identifying and nurturing the activities, relationships, and experiences that light up my soul and bring fulfilment to my days. As a music lover, I recommend following the Ezra Collective Spotify playlist for a weekly dose of joyful music curated by the incredible UK jazz band. 

This subject has left me with more questions and pondering than I can fit into a blog post. I’m off to do some journaling and praying so I’ll leave you with a simple reminder that amongst all of this identity chat, we’re human beings not doings! Find rest and peace in that.