Malachi’s Mummy

I had my first Keep in Touch day last week. It’s a chance to reconnect with work, get up to speed with things whilst spending some time with colleagues. I had braced myself for a whirlwind of emotions I’ve seen all the TikTok mums go through. Would I miss Malachi? Would I have separation anxiety?

Nope.

What I felt was quite different. Instead of being overwhelmed with guilt, I actually enjoyed my time at work. Even the commute meant I could get lost in a podcast without having one ear listening out for his cry upon waking from a nap. I got to switch on my work brain! We went for a team lunch and I was able to eat my food at a regular pace with no interruptions. I ended up just feeling guilty about not feeling guilty.

Those pesky expectations

There’s this unspoken high bar for what being a mother should look like. In my experience, the ideal mum is often portrayed as someone who constantly thinks about her child, day in and day out. Any time away from that, like enjoying work, can feel like we’re not meeting that standard. It’s almost as if we’re expected to measure our love by how much we worry or think about our children. 

I think these ridiculous expectations overlook the fact that it’s okay to have personal and professional goals outside of motherhood.

Now it’s important to reflect that this was just one day. Let’s see how I feel when I return back to work fulltime. I might be ready to eat my words 😂.

Both/and > either/or

I can be both a loving mother and a dedicated professional. One doesn’t take away from the other. Enjoying work doesn’t make me a bad mum; it makes me a fulfilled person, which can only be a good thing. Perhaps another layer specifically for me is that I see my job very much as ministry. Working with London City Mission to lead the communications team is more than just a job. I get to play a part in helping more people in London hear about Jesus and the hope he can bring to their lives. 

So, I’m choosing to be kind to myself. It’s okay to enjoy aspects of life outside of motherhood. Surely recognising and meeting my own needs helps me stay mentally healthy, which benefits my family too.

Just do you

This experience reminded me that my feelings don’t always match societal or other mothers’ expectations or experience —and that’s perfectly fine. Some mothers would have found their first day at work away may have looked completely different – and that’s perfectly fine too. I’m convinced we’re all just muddling through this motherhood journey day by day, trying to get through. I’m working to forget outside pressure to fit a mould or expectations that don’t suit our circumstances. 

Instead, I’m embracing my multifaceted identity and I’m learning each day to navigate motherhood with a bit more grace and a lot less guilt.