Malachi’s Mummy

It was week 3 of a baby and parent class I was attending. Malachi would usually be asleep for most of the sessions so would be in my arms, but this week I was determined for him to be awake as it was a play and development session. 

“He’s tiny,” said some of the mums in the class. I found myself nodding and smiling along while secretly thinking I know he’s on the small side but tiny, how dare they comment on my perfect baby! As Malachi finally managed to enjoy a baby class I zoned out to obsess about growth milestones and compare him to the other babies his age.

Poor Malachi, only alive for 3 months, minding his own business and being compared to other people already! 

Fast forward one month and I’m on the bus when a young mum gets on with her baby. Matthew strikes up some conversation and a few moments later she takes him out to put him in the sling. 

‘Oh, he’s so big for 8 weeks’ 

Doh! Words come back! Words come back! 

The very thing that has occasionally consumed my thoughts for the past few weeks I have done! 

So, why on earth did I feel the need to comment on a random woman’s baby on a bus?! Is it really that deep to innocently comment on babies appearance? 

Meeting milestones

From the moment Malachi was born, I was surprised by how quickly we began tracking milestones. Is he smiling? Is he lifting his head? Is he rolling over yet? I’ve come to accept it’s a natural part of parenting and actually not an inherently bad thing. Quite the opposite. Having milestones (based on averages remember!) is really useful to track and celebrate progress and look ahead to what I can be supporting little Malachi to achieve or keeping an eye out for signs where he might miss key milestones by a long way. For example, as much as we’d love to cuddle him all day, in order to strengthen and develop his tiny muscles he’s got to just learn to ‘play’ by himself and get on board with some tummy time. 

But like anything that’s meant to be good there’s a way it can develop into something harmful. The constant focus on reaching specific milestones at specific times can lead to feelings of inadequacy. 

For me, it led to a brief moment of anxiety when I thought Malachi might be lagging behind others despite reams and reams of research and reassurance from trusted content online that indicates every child develops at their own pace. 

The Comparison Trap

I’m sure the tendency to compare children to others isn’t new, but I think social media has definitely amplified it. Now, not only can I compare Malachi to those in my parent groups, but I’m also seeing “perfect” babies on Instagram, all achieving milestones early, always looking adorable, and seemingly never crying. The other day I saw one walking at 4 months…clearly the exception to the rule! 

But whilst I’ve been thinking about comparing Malachi’s growth and development to other babies, I’ve realised what I’m actually doing is comparing myself to other parents. Surely Malachi’s development is just a reflection of my parenting skills. If he isn’t hitting milestones at the same pace as others, does that mean I’m not doing enough? If other parents comment on his size or behaviour, are they silently judging me? 

I can see how judgement from other parents, family members, or even strangers can be overwhelming. The pressure to be the “perfect parent” can create an environment where I’m not only comparing Malachi, but also scrutinising my own actions. Should he be sleeping longer? Am I providing enough stimulation? Why can’t he recite his ABC’s already 😂? Sounds stressful 😵‍💫

At the weekend I bumped into a mum I’d met a few times at another group and we both seemed to find some relief in admitting to each other that we hadn’t nailed a schedule, a bedtime routine or seemingly had everything figured out 4 months in. Go figure 😊

How does this change me?

I’ve realised when I compare Malachi it has the potential to change the way I raise him. I find that when I feel pressured by comparisons I am more likely to push him to meet certain milestones, potentially leading to stress for both of us! His birthday twin was able to push himself up and absolutely loved ‘tummy time’. Malachi hated it but guess who was straight on their tummy when we got home from baby group 🤦🏾‍♀️😂 . 

I’m acutely aware that this pressure, if not acknowledged swiftly in the moment could create an unhealthy environment, where the joy of watching Malachi grow is overshadowed by the anxiety of keeping up with others. It’s not good for him and no better for me. 

Malachi is unique. 

Just as he has his own personality, he’ll have his own developmental timeline. It’ll be a joy to watch and support him and I’m grateful to have a supportive community where the focus is on encouragement and understanding, not competition and comparison.