Malachi’s Mummy

Sacrifice. give up (something valued) for the sake of other considerations.

I’ve realised that I hold the belief that sacrifice inherently involves pain or hardship. 

When I consider sacrifice, my mind immediately goes to suffering and so I decided to ask myself why – surely these things don’t need to be mutually exclusive and what impact was this thinking having on my general attitude and behaviour. 

Now I’ve been pondering on this for three weeks…hence the long break 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Originally, I was thinking about what to write for an Easter blog on sacrifice. It made sense given it’s a key theme in the narrative but I’ve not been able to resolve my thoughts on the subject, especially in relation to motherhood. So I decided to take some advice from my first blog, stop overthinking and try to order my muddled thoughts. 

It also feels important to mention clearly that motherhood for me was a choice. One that I made happily and would do it 1,000 times over. So, don’t read my thougths as a woe is me for being a mum, I’m fully aware it’s something I chose but still think it’s a useful exercise to reflect on how I’m thinking towards it. I’m not a Mummy martry seeking sympathy so don’t stone me if you disagree and would love to hear why if you do.

What we’ve ’given up’

I went to a close friend’s birthday gathering this weekend. We’re blessed to have Malachi’s grandparents staying with us so we were able to go and enjoy the day out in London. 

We were outside! The sun was shining, I could finish my meal at a normal pace and whilst it was hot. This h’enjoyment made me recall an earlier conversation with Malachi’s Dad and if he saw fatherhood as a sacrifice.

“We’ve made huge sacrifices about where we live, how we spend our time and money. We can’t just decide on a whim to go to the cinema. We’ve lost an element of spontaneity.”

I remember that he’d often ask me “do you wanna do something Friday” and we’d end up at a theatre show, a comedy club on a boat or a jazz club. It was fun and sometimes I miss it. 

But I have to remind myself that at least we did it! Perhaps if we didn’t take advantage of the years in our marriage to go out, have fun, be spontaneous and just enjoy each other I’d struggle to feel content in this season of life that we’ve happily chosen and the sacrifice would feel even more substantial.

Loss vs gain 

Putting motherhood aside for a moment, when thinking about the goals I want to achieve, for example, like getting more healthy, my thoughts usually are I’m going to lose out on sleep or I’m going to be in pain. Yes. All true…If I think back to my last fitness burst (it was sometime ago…) it was indeed painful and I’d have to sacrifice sleep or relaxation time (often just scrolling on socials…) to get a run or gym session in. 

I realise that my thoughts tend to major on the loss rather than the gain I could experience at the other end of pursuing something worthwhile.

We’re all wired differently and are motivated in different ways but motherhood has given me a fresh perspective on sacrifice. What a privilege to pursue something I’ve desired for so long.

For example, years of not being able to swim or drive a car and all of a sudden I think 2024 might be the year I’ll finally be able to scratch them off my goals list 😩. I want the independence to take Malachi to his appointments and baby groups. I want to enjoy swimming with him rather than reinforce my fears and negativity around being in water. Clearly I’m not intrinsically motivated!

Malachi needs me. He’s fully and completely dependent on me for all of his needs. As the years go by he’ll grow in independence and curiosity, but for the foreseeable, his survival and enjoyment of life depends on me, his Dad and our village. Sacrifices are a given. It’s something I expected for the most part but the reality hits differently. 

Reframing my sacrifice mindset

I see sacrifice as a duty, obligation, and putting others’ needs before my own. But how many of us take this to the extreme and have taken on more than we can bear? We do this with our families or even in the workplace often resulting in burnout and creating unrealistic expectations that we can do everything all the time. There can often be a risk and negative expectation that sacrifice should involve hardship or deprivation in order to be deemed virtuous, noble, or of any worth to others.

Recently, I’ve come to accept that sacrifice can be a deeply fulfilling and enriching experience. Approaching sacrifice with an abundance rather than scarcity mindset is a choice to prioritise what truly matters and focus on the outcome, whilst not losing the opportunity to find some joy during the ‘doing’.

We often tell ourselves that “It’ll be worth it in the end” as if we’re resigned to the fact that the process is going to be miserable and difficult. Yes there will be difficulty but how can I reframe this in a more positive light. I don’t want to just pine for the day when Malachi is an independent, self sufficient, kind and well balanced young man. There has to be some joy, in the here and now, not just the destination.

Instead of framing sacrifice solely in terms of suffering, I want to adopt a different mindset that emphasises the positive aspects of sacrifice. If I reframe my thinking about sacrifice (for the most part) as the opportunity to gain, perhaps I’d avoid feelings of negativity, regret and resentment as I pursue the things that are worthwhile.

Is motherhood a sacrifice or selfish? 

I came across Karen Rinaldi’s provocative article, ‘Motherhood Isn’t Sacrifice, It’s Selfishness’ and resisted the urge to see it negatively, step back and take a more thoughtful reflection into the nuances of what she’s trying to convey. 

Rinaldi’s stance challenges the traditional view of motherhood as an endless stream of self-sacrifice. She argues that mothers should be allowed to pursue their own dreams and desires without feeling guilty about it – after all, a fulfilled mother is a better mother, right? It’s a compelling argument that raises important questions about the expectations placed on women in society.

She begins by questioning the societal expectation that mothers should always prioritise their children’s needs above their own desires. She argues that this expectation can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout among mothers, who may neglect their own wellbeing in the process. Rinaldi states, “We’ve been taught that putting our kids first makes us good mothers. I believe the opposite.”.

Huh…? Rinaldi might have a bit more experience than me, but in these early newborn days I absolutely have to put Malachi first. If we’re both hungry. Guess who eats first. Sorry son, don’t you realise that your mum has just made herself some food and was looking forward to eating it quietly during a moment of peace as you sleep. I don’t care that you’ve woken up and need food, you’re going to have to wait. Sounds ludicrous doesn’t it.

As he gets more independent I’m sure the balance will change, but for now, I have to put Malachi first. But having a loving husband and an incredible group of friends and family to look after my needs, means I can do that without sacrificing my own wellbeing – it really does take a village. 

But I don’t want to throw the sacrificial baby out with the bathwater. From a Christian perspective, the concept of sacrifice runs deep. I see it in the crescendo in the Bible narrative where Jesus gave his life for the redemption of humanity. I’m reminded here that sacrifice is not merely an act of selflessness, but an expression of profound love and devotion for others. 

Throughout the article, Rinaldi emphasises the importance of self-care and self-fulfilment for mothers, urging them to prioritise their own needs alongside those of their children. She believes that by embracing their selfish desires and pursuing their own happiness, mothers can become better role models for their children and lead more fulfilling lives themselves.

If you end up reading the article for yourself I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Finding a balance

From the very moment I discovered I was pregnant, my life changed in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Suddenly, my needs took a backseat to those of the tiny life growing within me. I sacrificed my comfort as my body underwent an absolute madness! From morning sickness to swollen ankles, acid reflux and sleepless nights. But with each discomfort came a reminder of the precious life I carried.

Then came the miracle of childbirth. The pain and intensity of labour was like nothing else. 

I sacrificed my time and energy as I fed, soothed, and cared for Malachi, occasionally at the expense of my own needs. I sacrifice my independence as I adjust to the demands of motherhood, putting his needs before my own desires. 

Drawing from one of my favourite books, Tim Keller’s “The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness,” I’m reminded of the dangers of excessive self-focus. Keller explores the concept of “self-forgetfulness,” advocating for a mindset that transcends preoccupation with our own ego and desires. He suggests that true freedom lies in forgetting yourself entirely, finding fulfilment not in self-centred pursuits but in serving others and living in accordance with higher Christian values.

If I apply this to my thoughts around motherhood, I recognise the importance of self-care and self-love as foundational to maintaining healthy relationships and my own wellbeing. Just as a well known scripture in the Bible teaches us to love our neighbours as ourselves, I must prioritise my own physical, emotional, and spiritual health to effectively care for my son. However, this does not imply overindulging in selfish desires or prioritising personal happiness above all else. By embracing a sense of purpose beyond myself, I can model selflessness and resilience for Malachi while still honouring my own worth and wellbeing.

So where does this leave me?

The topic of sacrifice is something I wish I asked mothers whilst preparing to be a mum and pondered on more. I always knew my life would be different, but reframing my thoughts around sacrifice can only be a good thing right? It’s allowing me to examine my expectations, understand the changes and adjustments I may need to make in my life, and appreciate the dedication required in caring for a child. 

Is motherhood a sacrifice? Is it selfishness? Or is it something else entirely? For now, I think it’s a delicate balancing act, a constant negotiation between my own needs and the needs of my son. Maybe it’s about finding that elusive middle ground – the place where self-care and sacrifice intersect, where I can nourish my own soul while nurturing Malachi’s.

In the end, perhaps the answer lies not in choosing between sacrifice and selfishness, but in embracing the complexity of motherhood – in all its messy, beautiful glory.