Ask for help!

As a first-time mom, navigating the journey of pregnancy and impending motherhood was overwhelming at times. Yes, there was excitement preparing for Malachi but the practicalities of managing day-to-day tasks, and full time work while balancing the physical demands of pregnancy was hard.

And then he arrived! The unspoken pressure placed on mothers to be superheroes, even during the so-called “break” of maternity leave kicks in quickly! It’s like we’re expected to magically transform into Wonder Woman the moment our baby arrives, effortlessly juggling diaper changes, feedings, and laundry like a pro.

Well, maternity leave isn’t some extended vacation where we kick back and relax. Yes there are incredible moments. Bonding and watching Malachi develop is the best thing I’ve experienced but so far it’s been a crash course in survival mode. Yet, there’s this subtle expectation lurking in the background—that we should still have it all together, that we should effortlessly balance motherhood with domestic duties, self-care, and maybe even a side hustle or two.

But actually, what we need is a little extra help, support, grace, and understanding.

I need help!

Last weekend, I was celebrating at a baby shower and it took me back to my own. In the midst of moving house and being 8 months pregnant the thought of organising the event was too much for me so I decided to ask for help.

We set the budget and a few parameters like an Apprentice-style challenge and entrusted my good friends and aunty to organise it for us. It was incredible but asking for help like this was massively out of character for me.

I find it hard to release the reins but it was such an honour to walk in and see the efforts that they had made to make it a special day.

I’ve been reflecting on why asking for help is so hard for me, and I think I’ve concluded it comes down to two things:

I don’t want to inconvenience anyone
I don’t want anyone to think I’m incompetent.

“I don’t want to be a burden”

From an early age, I took pride in shouldering responsibilities and navigating challenges on my own. I grew up as an only child but I’m also the eldest of 5 siblings which tends to leave a dynamic that I’m fiercely independent and pride myself on being a good example for my siblings.

This aspiration for fierce independence often manifests as an aversion to seeking help as I don’t want to burden others with my needs.

Research agrees. Studies have shown that people often underestimate the willingness of others to provide assistance, assuming that seeking help will burden or inconvenience those around them.

Note of caution though… you have to use wisdom to know who is best to ask for help. Asking the wrong person can cause more problems sometimes!

“I know what I’m doing!”

I’d say I’m a pretty competent (others may disagree 😂) and self-sufficient person. The thought of admitting my vulnerabilities and limitations can sometimes feel threatening.

I vividly remember the shift towards aspiring to be an independent woman – throw your hands up with me! I was only 10 when this ‘feminist’ anthem was everywhere. Here I was not even in secondary school already set on not needing a man or anyone to buy me a car, rock or house. lol

Fast forward and I’ve realised that asking for help is actually a necessity for me. Shoutout to the mothers who seemingly are able to do it all. But me…

Yes please take the night shift so I can sleep and be a better human and mother the next day after a shred of sleep.
Yes please help me with the gigantic poo explosion your son has done. This is a two man job.
Yes please can you finish up the dinner tonight, I’m tired.
Yes please help me understand how best to get my son to latch on. I’ve been told this is supposed to be natural and easy but I’m struggling.

I remember when my Aunty came to stay the night the first week Malachi was born. She clearly said, let me have him at night if he wakes up. But instead we persevered and I recall Matthew exclaiming “he had us up seven times!” The next morning we were like zombies. Rather than taking my Aunty up on her offer we stubbornly persisted in our efforts to “figure it out” on our own, fearing that accepting help would be an admission of failure.

Studies show (I went down a rabbit hole of reading research with this one!) that children as young as seven years old may hesitate to ask questions or ask for help at school due to fears of appearing ‘stupid’ by their peers. We’ve got a long time until this is a reality for us but I’ll have to remember to keep encouraging curiosity and asking questions when Malachi asks ‘why’ for the 57th time!

A note of caution though…asking for help shouldn’t be at the expense of building resilience and persevering – it’s what helps us bounce back when life throws a curveball our way. But there comes a point when trying to muscle through on our own becomes too much to bear. It’s not about waving the white flag of surrender; it’s about recognising that ultimately we’re not meant to struggle through alone.

Embrace the support

I’ve found that asking for help can lead to moments of real connection and shared joy. Witnessing the efforts of my loved ones in organising our baby shower and just lending a hand in the day to day has filled me with a deep sense of gratitude. It reminded me of the importance of vulnerability in forging meaningful relationships.

Whatever your own reason for finding it hard to sound the alarm, join me in challenging those barriers and embrace the support of loved ones.